A contract, signed in blood, that you will NOT pursue your passion for improv to a level more seriously than a very, very loose hobby.
A pre-recorded voice message that she can play for her friends of you saying phrases like “I’m the luckiest [daughter / son] alive...I love you Mom” as if they are naturally occurring and unwarranted.
Blocked off calendar dates for when her friends’ children are in town and obviously need someone to show them around—you—their assumed only (distant) friend from the town that they are voluntary visiting and probably have real friends in.
Socks surgically stapled onto your feet so you never walk barefoot on hardwood floors again.
A contract, signed in blood, that you will not respond to Aunt Lisa’s question “so no boyfriend this year?” with an eloquently formulated opinion about sexuality being fluid. Bonus points if you also use none of the data-driven, educated, and intersectional arguments you learned at liberal arts school about literally anything.
Retroactively written thank you cards for every single gift you’ve ever received. Like ever.
Comments like “LOL - Wow! Such a good story!” on at least 5 of her 7 daily Facebook statuses which are usually re-posts of clickbait articles found on the bottom of PEOPLE.com
Endless insults about “Burt and Karen next door” about their marriage definitely being more miserable than hers before the divorce [EX: She doesn’t have HALF the courage you do...but she DOES have DOUBLE the ass!]
A pledge of silence for any upcoming therapy appointments that promise not to link any of your deep psychological shortcomings to those who raised you.
8,748 hours of your unpaid labor dedicated toward listening to her story (for the seventh fucking time) about that time she only wore mascara on one eye to your parent teacher conference. Bonus points if you act like it's the first time you're hearing it. Even more bonus points if you resist the urge to tell her that she is currently wearing mascara on only one eye. Even even more bonus points if you don't turn this into a scene in your next Improv 101 show.