The Worst Commencement Speech Ever
I know it sounds like I’m saying we’re all faking it until we die. And I am. That’s exactly what I’m saying.
Lessons Learned from an Almost Graduate who's Learned Almost Nothing
Some bits of wisdom from a girl who's not qualified to give any: You'll forget the parties, the hookups, the uber rides, and the exams. But you will never forget the drunk meals you made yourself at 4am while your suite mates were asleep. (I'm triggered every time I sense a spoonful of mayonnaise within 5 yards of my person) You will sign up for 2-6 clubs throughout college, all of which you will never attend a meeting. Some personal favorites are "Archeologists Meetup," "Stu
Running into Acquaintances
"Oh heeeey! I didn't even recognize you!" “Oh, yeah maybe cuz I have diabetes now.” “Maura? Oh my god, SO weird to see you on the subway.” “Yeah...I...ride it sometimes.” “What?” “I said I ride it.” “We should grab a drink one day!” “When’s good for you? I’m busy.” “I didn’t even—” “I know. I don’t want to.” “So are you still dating Adam?” “No.” “Ok, just making sure because we’ve been fucking.” “So did you go to the inauguration protests on Saturday?” “LOL. Of course not.” “
First Day of Class Introductions at Gallatin School of Individualized Studies
Freshman: "Hi I'm Alisha, with an 's' btw. I'm studying neoliberal cultural theory in post-colonial sub-Saharan Africa, with a concentration in social entrepreneurship in 21st century VR goat fucking. And yes I know that it's day one of college but that's what I'm studying. Also my hobbies include traveling. I speak 3 languages. I intend to take over the debate team and stop climate change. NYC is so cool!" Sophomore: "I'm from Long Island, yuck I know. What else? Oh I'm a so
