GOT Season 7—Final Scene, Reimagined In The 21st Century
Jon knocked on Dany’s door, potted succulent in hand. “A good gift,” he thought. He patted himself on the back through his freshly pressed Supreme shirt (a recent steal from a second hand vendor at the King’s Landing green market…he wouldn’t support such a mainstream brand otherwise). She opened the door and smiled. “Thanks!” She placed the pot next to her ceramic dragon, one of the many tchotchkes she collected on her recent soul-searching solo trip to the Iron Islands. It w
Eulogy for Millennial
Millennial (18-34, ripe for market research) October 28th, 1995—September 1st, 2017 (Scorpio rising, Capricorn Moon) CAUSE OF DEATH: Millennial’s cause of death has been widely disputed by her family members and two friends that care enough to engage in a post-mortem discussion on their late, oftentimes unbearably dramatic, friend. Many (her roommate) speculate that her metacarpophalangeal joint damage, acquired after writing “To Whom it May Concern” and “Proficient in Micros
Things People Say that they Think You've Never Heard Before
Here are some things you’ve probably heard a very smug and annoying person say, while thinking they are very special and unique for saying it: "I honestly looove not having wifi. Technology sucks." "Bernie WOULD have beat Trump. No question." "I literally have no girl friends. I just get along with guys better! God, I probably couldn’t tell the difference between a mascara and a tampon. Talk about black marks in my ass and stabbing myself in the eye with bloody bits of cotton
The 5 People You Meet in a Hostel
1. The guy who walks in with a guitar, fully encased, in his sunburnt arms, which are poking out of his Quicksilver tanktop. He has no shoes, the occasional flip flop perhaps, sometimes just one. One brave German girl asks what everyone's thinking: "OMG can you play?" To which he chuckles, "Of course." The first 3 chords of Banana Pancakes fill the halls of the dormitories. Everyone groans. "Wait, I also know Redemption Song!" 2. The posh British girl who thinks she's traveli
Things You Want Your Male Partner to Say Vs. What He Actually Says
WANT: I pick up on all your little mannerisms! You're so cute when you scrunch up your nose when you're mad.
REALITY: I saw you banging your head into your wall because Sarah got more likes than you on instagram, you fucking psycho. WANT: I'm so jealous (in a controlled and healthy way) of all the male attention you get. You're clearly the hottest girl in the world. I'm so lucky to have you.
REALITY: Go ahead and fuck Dan from accounting. I hope he knocks you up. And the ba
Lessons Learned from an Almost Graduate who's Learned Almost Nothing
Some bits of wisdom from a girl who's not qualified to give any: You'll forget the parties, the hookups, the uber rides, and the exams. But you will never forget the drunk meals you made yourself at 4am while your suite mates were asleep. (I'm triggered every time I sense a spoonful of mayonnaise within 5 yards of my person) You will sign up for 2-6 clubs throughout college, all of which you will never attend a meeting. Some personal favorites are "Archeologists Meetup," "Stu
Dating with IBS
Boy: U shud come over 2nite ;) Me: Do you have low fodmap (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharide and polyols) friendly foods in your fridge? If not I can bring tums along with a condom. Boy: What're u wearing ? Me: My fat pants from 2006 cuz my veggie burger had gluten in it. The lady on the subway gave up her seat for me cuz she thought i was pregnant lol Boy: Wanna turnup l8r? Me: Turnips are actually one of the foods I can eat in moderation! (2 servin
Things I do to Pretend the World's Not Ending
Some tips and tricks to distract you for the next 4(to 8) years! Eat a banana, peel and everything. The texture will confuse you, and you'll begin to realize that peeling a banana is a lot like deskinning a human. It's weird! Why do we do it? This will be sure to rack your brain for at least 20-30 minutes. Start telling everyone you're meditating. Your cool points go up by like 7 on the arbitrary cool point scale. Use this time to sit alone in your room and count the blackhea
Running into Acquaintances
"Oh heeeey! I didn't even recognize you!" “Oh, yeah maybe cuz I have diabetes now.” “Maura? Oh my god, SO weird to see you on the subway.” “Yeah...I...ride it sometimes.” “What?” “I said I ride it.” “We should grab a drink one day!” “When’s good for you? I’m busy.” “I didn’t even—” “I know. I don’t want to.” “So are you still dating Adam?” “No.” “Ok, just making sure because we’ve been fucking.” “So did you go to the inauguration protests on Saturday?” “LOL. Of course not.” “
First Day of Class Introductions at Gallatin School of Individualized Studies
Freshman: "Hi I'm Alisha, with an 's' btw. I'm studying neoliberal cultural theory in post-colonial sub-Saharan Africa, with a concentration in social entrepreneurship in 21st century VR goat fucking. And yes I know that it's day one of college but that's what I'm studying. Also my hobbies include traveling. I speak 3 languages. I intend to take over the debate team and stop climate change. NYC is so cool!" Sophomore: "I'm from Long Island, yuck I know. What else? Oh I'm a so
5 Gluten-free Love Potions Sure to Make Your Man Love You, Dead or Alive!
Wheat-less alternatives to all your favorite romance-inducing concoctions! Repeatedly find ways at brunch to bring up how much of a “boys’ girl” you are. No need to explain what this means, but extra points for mentioning you never got along with girls growing up! *Sprinkle coconut oil and cyanide on his eggs benedict* Make his bed in the morning. When he says, “My mom used to say the first girl who makes my bed is the girl I should marry,” shrug it off. Quietly mention that
Weekly Headlines
Help! I've Fallen and I Was Actually Trying to Die BREAKING: Steve Bannon allegedly replaces all Sean Spicer's Morning Vitamins with Laxatives to Ensure Minimal Shit Left for Mouth-Spewing Studio Executive Creates New Team For Women-Driven Content: Literally Just Hot Girls Driving Cars in Fast and Furious 10 Weekly Good Deed Spotlight: Walmart Expanding Feminist Brand with "Tampons for Women" "I'm good, how are you?" 5 Ways to Recover After You've Already Initiated the Conver
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