Eulogy for Millennial
Millennial (18-34, ripe for market research)
October 28th, 1995—September 1st, 2017 (Scorpio rising, Capricorn Moon)
CAUSE OF DEATH: Millennial’s cause of death has been widely disputed by her family members and two friends that care enough to engage in a post-mortem discussion on their late, oftentimes unbearably dramatic, friend. Many (her roommate) speculate that her metacarpophalangeal joint damage, acquired after writing “To Whom it May Concern” and “Proficient in Microsoft Office” too many times over the last few weeks on her cover letters, acted as the final bullet; While others (her mother) believe it was the overwhelming amount of incense dust found in her nasal cavities, the very same incense she bought at a Tibetan bodega on the Lower East Side, under the pretense that they would “energize and revitalize” her spirit, and thus give her motivation during her strenuous job hunt. This mixed with the high amounts of cocaine still sutured within her boogers from the weekend was enough to have lethal potential.
Millennial will be remembered for her wit, love of Daquan memes, and frequent google searches on topics such as:
“is pomegranate juice fattening?”
“how do u spell rest-aur-aunt”
“who is shonda rhimes and should i be talking about her in social and intellectual circles”
“lose 5 pounds in 2 hours”
“does liking taylor swift make me a racist”
“should i keep it to myself that i like taylor swift”
*Cognito Window* “taylor swift concert tickets nj”
Her other friend, who would prefer to now be known as “finally fucking free,” would also like to make mention of Millennial’s incredible ability to make a vast range of things about herself, such as the death of former Cuban revolutionary and dictator, Fidel Castro, which she takes full responsibility for, after having said that she had thought about him randomly one time this year on the L train. Another example of this was when her friend’s boyfriend broke up with her, and Millennial politely reminded her that it was her birthday month, so if she could stop being “so insanely brainwashed by the institution of monogamy and just get a fucking succulent already,” then that would really make it a lot easier for her to enjoy this special time of year.
Millennial worked as a hostess in various rest-aur-aunts in New York City, and even got promoted to Brunch maitre'D at an upscale Peruvian restaurant in Chelsea. Here, she was remembered for hiding in coat check during drink runs, and placing Sriracha on her inner thighs to convince her male bosses that she was menstruating and had to go home early. She often scoffed "patriarchy," when her boss would ask if she could just put in a tampon and get back on the floor.
Millennial also interned at many widely unknown public relation companies, where she learned that 90% of her business-casual outfits were incredibly inappropriate for the office, but was unable to change that due to the small, $15 weekly stipend she received. In any case, she kept on her strict regiment of stealing bralettes from Urban Outfitters, by stashing them into the back pockets of the boyfriend jeans she pretended to try on in the dressing room (small accessories, such as bralettes, would otherwise not be allowed into the dressing room at Urban Outfitters, to avoid this exact scenario).
Towards the end, friends began noticing slight changes in Millennial’s attitudes and habits. Her mother became concerned after walking past her daughter’s room and hearing her exclaim “no worries at all!” thirteen times during a phone call, even though there were visibility several worries at play. Millennial’s ex boyfriend (OK, guy she slept with twice, who she felt was eventually going to be her boyfriend because he always was the first one to watch her Snapchat stories), recounts Millennial’s recent involvement with an international movement aiming to promote women’s rights and gender equality, which gave her the unusual desire to suddenly “have an opinion” and “not shave her armpits.” “It was gross,” he recalled. “It was obvious that the Millennial who once let me put my ____ in her ____, was gone.”
Finally, Millennial's closest friend and confidante, the Puerto Rican man who sits outside the bodega on her street corner, admitted that things just didn’t seem right the day she passed. “She came in and just started picking out seemingly unrelated items, as if she was gonna eat them all...together.” Cottage cheese, Sriracha, canned tomatoes, garlic hummus, and a jar of $16 almond butter, were among some of those food choices. When I asked if this was abnormal, the man paused. “I guess not, actually. She was always eating cottage cheese and gross shit.” I have confirmed with her roommates that these items were typically consumed between the hours of 12:30am and 5:00am (a time in which she believed, calories didn’t count), in between her viewings of The Office, which she still thought was a cult classic, and porn videos, which she watched only to be able to put her finger down during games of “Never Have I Ever,” in which some prissy blonde bitch always inevitably said “never have I ever watched porn!”
In the end, we think it’s important to briefly mention some of Millennial’s greatest achievements in her all too short life. Millennial got thirty retweets on a tweet she wrote in 2015, in which she compared men to “bad avocados.” It was funny and topical at the time. She also wowed a group of music students during a house party in Alphabet City, when she nonchalantly mentioned that music had been ruined by megalomaniac corporations like Spotify, and that vinyl was the best thing “since the fall of the Berlin Wall.” They thought that she was right about that, except that the Berlin Wall came down almost forty years after the invention of vinyl. Finally, Millennial once successfully convinced a boy she met on Tinder that she was a total “boy’s girl,” after pretending to think that mascara was something you ate pho with.
There will be a final viewing of the body on November 3rd on the rooftop of her apartment in Bushwick—Millennial requested in her will that you bury her with her decorative Christmas lights
and super rare Tibetan prayer flags she ordered on Etsy. This date purposefully coincides with the 22nd birthday of Kendall Jenner, a media icon who Millennial always said "wasn't that pretty," but always brought a picture of with to her haircuts, for reference.
*Millennial is outlived by the 8 ceramic elephants she collected when she thought it was cool to say she was Buddhist, the 43 cover letters she wrote last week that nobody responded to, her period stained thongs from when she believed simply not wearing a tampon would somehow expedite the whole period process, her various makeup remover wipes which she tried to reuse more times than the current world record, and her parents.
*Millennial has requested to be cremated, and to have her ashes scattered into the espresso pods of all the companies who didn’t offer her any benefits but did offer her a “post-graduate internship.”