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Things You Want Your Male Partner to Say Vs. What He Actually Says

WANT: I pick up on all your little mannerisms! You're so cute when you scrunch up your nose when you're mad. REALITY: I saw you banging your head into your wall because Sarah got more likes than you on instagram, you fucking psycho.

WANT: I'm so jealous (in a controlled and healthy way) of all the male attention you get. You're clearly the hottest girl in the world. I'm so lucky to have you. REALITY: Go ahead and fuck Dan from accounting. I hope he knocks you up. And the baby gets your nose. Whore.

WANT: Good morning, my sweet angel. I made you some blueberry polenta waffles for breakfast. Although, I doubt you'll even eat them because you're so thin and delicate. REALITY: Morning. Here's a towel for when I busted on your stomach last night. Speaking of that sack of flesh, it made weird grumbly noises while you were sleeping. Also, you queef in your sleep.

WANT: I would literally die without your kisses. Your smooth skin pressed upon mine is all I need to keep me going. REALITY: That organic Toms toothpaste you've been using smells like baby vomit and tree bark. Go back to Crest. When you tried to kiss me this morning I literally ran to the bathroom to vomit and shower. That's why I was up so early.

WANT: Babe, how are you NOT a model? REALITY: Gigi Hadid got hotter, somehow. Have you ever considered doing even an ounce of what she's doing?

WANT: I'm in love with the shape of you. REALITY: I was reorganizing my fruit bowl this morning and I realized you're kinda grapefruit shaped.

WANT: I'm incredibly open to hearing about what you want sexually, and will never push our boundaries without verbal consent. REALITY: Yeaaaah. I knew that was your asshole the whole time.

WANT: I don't even need to have female friends anymore. You're my girlfriend AND my best friend. REALITY: Cindy doesn't like you and I kinda get why because you're kinda fucking annoying always. Also, Cindy's my ex. Also, we still fuck.

WANT: If I'm a bird, you're a bird. REALITY: I swear, I only call you 'beak face' to my closest friends and immediate family.

WANT: I love you. REALITY: I like your tits when you're on your period.

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