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The Most Classic Halloween Costumes for 2017

October 19, 2017

 

 

Unanswered Cover Letter: Bleed, sweat, and cry as a public display of your desperation, debt, and likely starvation, in much the same way that your cover letter is a humiliating display of your exaggerated accomplishments sprinkled with keywords you copied right from the job posting. Watch as nobody responds or cares. Write “To Whom It May Concern” across your forehead in blood and dress up as a waiter because that’s probably your job now. ($1.30/oz on Amazon)

 

Twitter Notification that Someone Liked Something You Retweeted: Spoiler Alert: It’s just a blue balls costume, ‘cuz it’s basically the same thing. ($28.49 at Target)

 

Fully Intact Glass Ceiling: The taller and more unreachable you are, the more this costume becomes a hilarious metaphor. ($14.99 on Amazon Kindle)

 

Liberal who Constantly Says “George Bush wasn’t so bad”: All you have to do is walk around and tell people, who definitely didn’t ask, “George Bush wasn’t so bad!” What a quirky opinion to have, Liberal! ($5.60 on Amazon Kindle)

 

Old Taylor Not Coming to the Phone Right Now: Hint: She’s dead. Spooky. ($68.99 on Amazon)

 

Cultural Appropriation: A great way to save money—Just dust off any of your old costumes and they’re 99.9% likely to fit the bill. Meta! ($21.25 at Barnes & Nobles)

 

Irony: Emoji shirt, denim on denim, tags friends in memes but claims to hate social media, walks around with a vinyl on a leash as a pet, dresses poor on parent’s rich budget. If you live below 23rd Street in Manhattan (and definitely if you live in Brooklyn), this is probably already you and everybody thinks you're annoying. It’s not ironic. Nobody likes you.


 

^^^Haha, did I get you there?! Everyone will get a kick of out this one. (Various Prices, Urban Outfitters)

 

Migration Crisis: *Knock knock* Trick or Tre—Sike. No one will open their doors for you because nationalism. Sooo topical. It’s terrible but clever because you’re clearly in on the joke. (Prices vary depending on How Good of a Person You Are)

 

Student Loan Payments: Repeatedly stick your fingers up your friends’ butts when they least expect it all night. That’s exactly what it feels like to get your first student loan payment. Has potential to be a great group costume, with tons of people involved and stickin'! (Free)

 

Private Email Account: Sleep around with the whole damn Halloween party, you dirty slut, ‘cause everybody’s using you. Kudos for using no protection...on your classified information ;)

($128 at Macy's)

 

The Kid Who Raised His Hand And Said "You Mean 'All Hallows Eve?' In Elementary School: Dress up like a fucking loser and stay home. ($4.99 on Amazon Kindle)

 

Yourself: 'Cuz let's face it sad boy, you already put on a mask for society everyday. (Free)

 

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