Here are some things you’ve probably heard a very smug and annoying person say, while thinking they are very special and unique for saying it: "I honestly looove not having wifi. Technology sucks." "Bernie WOULD have beat Trump. No question." "I literally have no girl friends. I just get along with guys better! God, I probably couldn’t tell the difference between a mascara and a tampon. Talk about black marks in my ass and stabbing myself in the eye with bloody bits of cotton
WANT: I pick up on all your little mannerisms! You're so cute when you scrunch up your nose when you're mad.
REALITY: I saw you banging your head into your wall because Sarah got more likes than you on instagram, you fucking psycho. WANT: I'm so jealous (in a controlled and healthy way) of all the male attention you get. You're clearly the hottest girl in the world. I'm so lucky to have you.
REALITY: Go ahead and fuck Dan from accounting. I hope he knocks you up. And the ba
Some bits of wisdom from a girl who's not qualified to give any: You'll forget the parties, the hookups, the uber rides, and the exams. But you will never forget the drunk meals you made yourself at 4am while your suite mates were asleep. (I'm triggered every time I sense a spoonful of mayonnaise within 5 yards of my person) You will sign up for 2-6 clubs throughout college, all of which you will never attend a meeting. Some personal favorites are "Archeologists Meetup," "Stu
Boy: U shud come over 2nite ;) Me: Do you have low fodmap (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharide and polyols) friendly foods in your fridge? If not I can bring tums along with a condom. Boy: What're u wearing ? Me: My fat pants from 2006 cuz my veggie burger had gluten in it. The lady on the subway gave up her seat for me cuz she thought i was pregnant lol Boy: Wanna turnup l8r? Me: Turnips are actually one of the foods I can eat in moderation! (2 servin
Some tips and tricks to distract you for the next 4(to 8) years! Eat a banana, peel and everything. The texture will confuse you, and you'll begin to realize that peeling a banana is a lot like deskinning a human. It's weird! Why do we do it? This will be sure to rack your brain for at least 20-30 minutes. Start telling everyone you're meditating. Your cool points go up by like 7 on the arbitrary cool point scale. Use this time to sit alone in your room and count the blackhea
"Oh heeeey! I didn't even recognize you!" “Oh, yeah maybe cuz I have diabetes now.” “Maura? Oh my god, SO weird to see you on the subway.” “Yeah...I...ride it sometimes.” “What?” “I said I ride it.” “We should grab a drink one day!” “When’s good for you? I’m busy.” “I didn’t even—” “I know. I don’t want to.” “So are you still dating Adam?” “No.” “Ok, just making sure because we’ve been fucking.” “So did you go to the inauguration protests on Saturday?” “LOL. Of course not.” “
Freshman: "Hi I'm Alisha, with an 's' btw. I'm studying neoliberal cultural theory in post-colonial sub-Saharan Africa, with a concentration in social entrepreneurship in 21st century VR goat fucking. And yes I know that it's day one of college but that's what I'm studying. Also my hobbies include traveling. I speak 3 languages. I intend to take over the debate team and stop climate change. NYC is so cool!" Sophomore: "I'm from Long Island, yuck I know. What else? Oh I'm a so
Wheat-less alternatives to all your favorite romance-inducing concoctions! Repeatedly find ways at brunch to bring up how much of a “boys’ girl” you are. No need to explain what this means, but extra points for mentioning you never got along with girls growing up! *Sprinkle coconut oil and cyanide on his eggs benedict* Make his bed in the morning. When he says, “My mom used to say the first girl who makes my bed is the girl I should marry,” shrug it off. Quietly mention that
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