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Things Definitely More Dangerous than Semi/Automatic Weapons Bought by Mentally Deranged Individuals

[featured on Stellar Underground]

In response to the mass shooting in Las Vegas on Monday, the NRA has released a statement regarding its stance on the ongoing debate of gun control. As people from both sides of the political spectrum have called for a reconsideration of the sales of certain kinds of semi-automatic weapons, the NRA is pointing to other, equally disturbing and previously not talked about issues, which they believe should be looked at first, to ensure the safety of the American people. We have copied and pasted this list directly from their statement:

Things Definitely More Dangerous than Semi/Automatic Weapons Bought by Mentally Deranged Individuals:

  1. The Special K Challenge—Why is nobody talking about this? Special K Cereal has been challenging people to eat their cereal, exclusively, for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks, for YEARS. That’s CRAZY. Not to mention irresponsible and dangerous. Can you imagine if all brands started doing this—McDonald's, Hostess, Hamburger Helper!? This is a display of unparalleled audacity. Since when have sugary flakes and dehydrated strawberries had any business being on the food pyramid, nevermind your whole food pyramid? Not as long as the Second Amendment has been on the Constitution, that’s for sure.

  2. The overly-wide space between two stall doors in public restrooms—What’s more damaging to someone’s pursuit of happiness: Fear of mass slaughter of yourself and your loved ones, or awkward eye contact mid butt-wipe between yourself and a stranger? #closethegap

  3. Packaged Sabra guacamole that comes with a removable lid that doesn’t seal back on— What kind of a sick person wishes browned guacamole on even their worst enemy? This is an evil operation, and tastes way worse than the gravel you likely eat when you nose dive into the pavement upon hearing some gunshots.

  4. Kinder Eggs—While these are already illegal in the US (and thank God for that), due to their obvious homicidal potential, there has recently been a reopened debate about Kinder Eggs being legalized in our precious homeland. The NRA would like to restate its firm position on the matter: KINDER EGGS KILL CHILDREN, STUPID CHILDREN WHO CAN’T DECIPHER A TOY FROM THE CHOCOLATE EGG SURROUNDING IT DON’T KILL CHILDREN.

  5. Jennifer Lawrence—That girl falls A LOT. Do you want to be standing next to J-Law near a train track, an active volcano, or some quicksand? We didn’t think so. And if you did happen to find yourself in any of these unfortunate situations, wouldn’t you want a AK-47 to shoot up into the air while you fell to your impending death, as a means of dramatic exit? We know we would.

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