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First All-Hands Meeting At The Playboy Mansion After it is Acquired by Buzzfeed

[featured on Stellar Underground]

Hello all, and thank you for taking the time out of setting up your new desks to join me, Buzzfeed CEO, Jonah Peretti, in our first all-hands-on-deck meeting at the former Playboy Mansion. I see a lot of familiar faces in the crowd from back at Buzzfeed, my old company, which has now acquired the entire Playboy brand for an undisclosed amount of millions, but many of you are former Playboy employees whom I look forward to getting to know. I’m here to talk to you about some of the big changes happening around our newest office, which will now formally be referred to as “You Won’t Believe What We Did to the Playboy Mansion [PICS]”

I know, I know, let’s address the big tits in the room first—The resident Playboy Bunnies. Everyone wants to know, “What’s to become of them? Surely they have termination protection.” Well, we’ve finally figured out the best and most effective way to make use of these women while keeping them in the family—Our “Bunnies Initiative” consists of a complex system of interviewing, stalking, and psychologically debilitating each Playmate, in order to come up with the most accurate and specific quizzes we’ve ever seen produced at Buzzfeed. These quizzes will answer pressing topics such as: “Which Playmate’s Breasts Would Your Boyfriend Prefer Over Yours?” “Which Childhood Trauma or Insecurity Would Lead YOU to Move into the Playboy Mansion?” and “Which Excuse Would You Use to Avoid Spending the Night in Hef’s Bedroom?” We’re very excited about this new and highly advanced mega-quiz database—and if it doesn’t work, we can always use the Playmates for an article about sexism at Playboy, which will do very well with our female readers. Totes a win-win.

Next up, we want to make sure that the Playboy Mansion remains culturally relevant, a symbol of the trending. As such, all the gargoyles on the property will be repurposed to look like the cat emoji, which we think will be a hilarious homage to all the *women* that stopped by the mansion over the years. The famous grottos in the pool will become studio space for Buzzfeed’s many video channels, and Hef’s pill cabinet remnants will become inspiration for our latest Tasty series: “Cooking on Quaaludes.”

Some housekeeping notes: Obviously there’s a LOT of dildos laying around the quarters, and here at Buzzfeed, we like to capitalize on anything that could be seen as quirky and innovative. So, thanks to the suggestion of our 19 year old intern, Maya in Editorial, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to strategically place all the sex toys together so that they form the phrase “LOL.” The structure will be placed in the front yard and used as a photo/Boomerang opp for our very popular, weekly company happy hours. We think progressive readers aged 18-34 will love this. Further, the old security cameras, previously scattered in locations like the women’s restroom shower heads, above the Playmates' beds, and at the bottom of the pool, will be moved and modernized. From here on out, we will use face-scanning technology outside of all the office doors, which will measure the circumference of, and the exerted force coming out of your mouth, while you shout “lololololol” for 8 seconds. Once it recognizes you, the doors will unlock.

Finally, we invite our fans to join us for our first open-to-the-public event this Friday, which will give visitors the opportunity to pose with Hef’s deceased body and memeify the pic. We think this will be very buzzy on social.

Cheers to #newbeginnings!

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